If your kids aren’t fighting yet, here are some strategies you can use now.
Catch your older child being kind toward a sibling. If you have a new baby, praise your child for being gentle or waiting her turn while you finish changing the baby’s diaper before you help her. For siblings of toddlers, notice when your older child provides even the smallest kindness: say “You helped your sister get up when she fell down! Thanks for helping her!” When kids get attention for being kind, do you know what they will do? More things to get attention for being nice!
Encourage helping. If one sibling gets hurt, ask the other to help out. Send the sibling to get a band-aid or ice pack. Or if a sibling is crying, say “oh she is so sad” and ask your child to get a tissue. Look for small ways you can start to teach empathy.
Create positive memories together. Activities like regular family dinners, cooking together, or playing board games are great ways for kids to bond. Having shared, fun moments gives children less incentive to fight, and more opportunity to spend time with you. Family vacations are a great way to foster time together – time away from home is valuable for bonding. So take a family vacation!
Teach your kids how to interact. Kids may not have mature social skills to know how to include their sibling in an activity so its easier for them to kick them out of their game or playtime. Teach your older kids how a younger sibling can join in a game if they can’t figure it out on their own. Can the little sister be the “patient”, can the older sibling keep score or create games for the younger one?
Show interest in what they are playing with. When your children are playing well together or just being in the same room harmoniously, that’s a good time to get involved. Take a photo of them playing well and put it on the refrigerator so they have a reminder of playing well together. And recognize when they are playing well together and reward that behavior. The best reward is your attention, so telling them what you like or giving a hug is always a good idea – and might prevent a fight later.
Give Kids the Attention they Want. Spend one-on-one time with each child doing an activity of their choice. For young kids this will need to be a very short time every single day. Most parents find that when siblings have even a brief amount of time one-on-one with a parent, there are less fights. When you choose activities to do with them and it’s the thing they love doing – they get the message that you understand their individuality. If your child likes reading, snuggle with them and read a book, and if they love running around outside, put on your running shoes! This way they will feel like you appreciate them as an individual and they are less likely to fight.
Organize your day so your kids set a time for playing together. Set a timer and plan an activity. And while you’re at it, have a nighttime routine for siblings. For example, encourage them to give a high five or do a secret handshake before bed or say goodnight or I love you to each other.
You as a parent can set up all these parameters and use all these tricks, and your kids will very likely still have sibling rivalry. There are benefits to sibling rivalry. Sibling rivalry and fighting helps children learn to navigate power struggles when they are older, they learn to compromise, manage and resolve conflicts, and be more assertive. A lot of adults are terrible at these things, and it might be because their parents didn’t let them fight and work it out.
Take comfort that most sibling issues will resolve with time and their maturity. Read more about What to do When Kids Fight.
